The Boyfriend Test

It supposedly works for girlfriends, too.

When the interns first arrived at Haley House in May, one of the community members joked that before we could date anyone, we had to bring them by to work a shift in the kitchen as a test. Of course he wasn't serious but one of the girls in the house whose boyfriend also lives here and works as a member of community said that, in all seriousness, it is a really good test of character-- obviously it had worked for them.

The more I think about it, the better an idea I think it actually is. Each person living and working at Haley House is really invested in the cause and it's a big part of each of our lives, so it makes sense that we'd want a potential significant other to get a glimpse into our world and come to understand what Haley House is all about. Furthermore, soup kitchen shifts are probably a pretty good display of what people are made of. Someone who's willing to come in and work a shift and makes it through in one piece (or, dare we hope, even likes it) obviously values service, is personable, is willing to step outside their comfort zone, finds the best in people, demonstrates creativity and, best of all, doesn't take themself too seriously.

We've had one boyfriend come volunteer here so far, and a couple of just friends or family members who have been visiting from out of town. You learn a lot about yourself working in the soup kitchen and I think a few people have been pleasantly surprised by what they've found they're capable of. Mum & Dad are going to be working a shift while they're visiting next week and I can't wait to show them off :o)

The Slow Realization

You can only get so far on idealism and good intentions.

From the age of about 11, I've known that I would dedicate my career to a life of service. When I was younger, I dreamed of being a Diplomat or joining the Peace Corps after college. As I got older, obviously my priorities changed and, as I became more involved with community service through Florida State, my path began to lead me toward the field of nonprofit administration because I knew that I wanted to work directly with people solving problems of everyday life. However, something I've come to realize is that I don't need to pursue nonprofit administration to be in the nonprofit world and to make a difference. In fact, it would probably be better not to approach it from that angle. The women in the Haley House office come from a variety of backgrounds, none of which are administration; one is an accountant, one has a strong background in research, another divinity school. The common thread: each has a definite skill or specific knowledge base.

Sometimes we get volunteers in the soup kitchen who are really eager to serve the community and are enthusiastic about helping out but are next to useless in the kitchen and get in the way more than they actually help. Occasionally, I too am like the guy who cannot for the life of him figure out how to slice a watermelon. I feel right now that, as much as I really really want to, I'm not able to offer as much as my potential would allow because everything I learned in school is too patchy or esoteric to actually help with anything. I'm starting to understand that I can be of much more use to society with some sort of actual practical skill.

When I was 17 and attended FSU orientation, they asked us each to pick a major. I knew I wanted to study abroad and was interested in taking history classes, so I picked international affairs. What I didn't realize at the time was that putting all my eggs in one international basket was completely unnecessary; Florida State has advertising internships in London, nursing internships in Panama, hospitality administration classes in Australia and a Chemical Engineering summer program in Scotland. I could have chosen any course of study and spent a semester abroad. When advisers say to "follow your interests," do so in a way that actually makes you good at something. If you're interested in living abroad, study accounting and work for a bank with trans-continental branches, study advertising and work for an NGO; if you really like travel, get your Green MBA and work in the hospitality industry; work for Disney by developing IT skills or learning another language.

This is a large part of what has led me back to my 16-year-old life plan that I was once talked out of: nursing. I've decided to come back to Florida and, starting in January, I'll be taking the prerequisites I need to apply to nursing school. By deciding to pursue nursing, I'm not settling because I don't think I'm smart enough to get into medical school; I'm not selling out just so I can get a job that actually pays; I'm not giving up on Boston because I couldn't get a job (I did actually get an offer which I turned down for this). I'm finally going to pursue something I'm actually interested in, do something for myself. Most importantly of all, however, is that I'm making myself better equipped to more effectively serve others in the future.

The Trans Question

Haley House has always been the soup kitchen equivalent of a tree house with a "NO GIRLS ALLOWED" sign... and then DiamonD, Victor and Chichi came and it all went to hell in a designer handbag.

Over the years, Kathe and John have had to make some tough calls about Haley House's operations and, as times are changing, the dilemmas are getting tougher; they are now being asked to define manhood. We have had a few guests who, while biologically male, identify, dress and live as women (As far as I know, there have never been any cases of F to M transgendered or transsexual individuals seeking hospitality at Haley House). They come in, sometimes with their boyfriends, sometimes by themselves, and eat without causing any real problems among the other men, and are treated much like any of the other guests (with the exception of one of them who is now barred for inappropriate advances toward one of the live-in staff members)

None of them are regular attendees of the morning breakfast, but the discussion was resurrected recently when Chichi came in. In a forward-thinking, left-leaning society that encourages addressing trans people by whichever means they choose to identify themselves, can we really justify admitting anyone we're discussing as "she" into our all-men's soup kitchen. On principle, no-- not if she identifies as female. Realistically, however, we decided that if there's any way we can justify offering people hospitality, if someone is in any way, shape, form or part male, we should make ourselves available to them. This is especially the case as we are unsure of the other services available in the area to transpeople. For instance, are they allowed to eat or shower at Rosie's place, the all-women's resource center? As far as we know, there is only one shelter in town equipped with a policy for accommodating the trans homeless population, so if the need is there, we want to be able to fill it until we have a reason not to.

I suppose I'm a little surprised that there isn't a strictly LGBTQ shelter in Boston. This is, in many ways, one of the most progressive cities in the nation. That being said, I would think that in the public policy and nonprofit worlds, the elevated psychological risks within the LGBTQ community would be more widely recognized and given consideration. The emotional turmoil of struggling with questions of gender identity (and the frequent estrangement from family that comes with it) obviously puts transgendered individuals at higher risk for depression, which can often lead to alcoholism or drug use, some very common components of homelessness. I feel like this is recognized and addressed in many resource centers, but not those with the means to offer residential services.

At least for now the Haley House staff and volunteers can make sure we do all we can to serve the same nourishing food and create the same welcoming atmosphere for our trans guests that we do for the rest of the homeless community.